Groucho Marx ...“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

 “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx

 “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Groucho Marx

 “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Humor is reason gone mad.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
― Groucho Marx, Groucho And Me

 “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
― Groucho Marx

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx

 “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx

 “If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ”
― Groucho Marx

 “I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”
― Groucho Marx

 “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
― Groucho Marx

 “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Whatever it is, I'm against it.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
― Groucho Marx

 “She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
― Groucho Marx

 “While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
― Groucho Marx

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Room service? Send up a larger room.”
― Groucho Marx

“Time wounds all heels.”
― Groucho Marx

 “If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again”
― Groucho Marx

 “The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”
― Groucho Marx

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”
― Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”
― Groucho Marx

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”
― Groucho Marx

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
― Groucho Marx

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
― Groucho Marx

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”
― Groucho Marx

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.”
― Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”
― Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters

“I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.”
― Groucho Marx

 “I must admit, I was born at an early age.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”
― Groucho Marx

 “Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”
― Groucho Marx

 “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
― Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
― Groucho Marx

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”
― Groucho Marx

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
― Groucho Marx

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”
― Groucho Marx

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
― Groucho Marx

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
― Groucho Marx

“Was that you or the duck?”
― Groucho Marx

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”
― Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters

“My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.”
― Groucho Marx

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”
― Groucho Marx

“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
― Groucho Marx

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”
― Groucho Marx

“I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.”
― Groucho Marx

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
― Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
― Groucho Marx

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
― Groucho Marx

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”
― Groucho Marx

“If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!”
― Groucho Marx

“I'll teach you to kick me...'
You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”
― Groucho Marx

“Any place I hang my head is home.”
― Groucho Marx

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.”
― Groucho Marx

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”
― Groucho Marx

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
― Groucho Marx

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”
― Groucho Marx

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?”
― Groucho Marx

“I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
― Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going.”
― Groucho Marx

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”
― Groucho Marx

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”
― Groucho Marx, Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.”
― Groucho Marx

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”
― Groucho Marx

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”
― Groucho Marx

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”
― Groucho Marx

“That's bad luck: three on a midget.

From "At The Circus”
― Groucho Marx

“John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...”
― Groucho Marx

“All geniuses die young.”
― Groucho Marx

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”
― Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”
― Groucho Marx

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”
― Groucho Marx

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”
― Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”
― Groucho Marx

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”
― Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“Denial is a river in Egypt.”
― Groucho Marx

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”
― Groucho Marx

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home."
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:”
― Groucho Marx

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”
― Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have ME as a member.”
― Groucho Marx

“I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member!”
― Groucho Marx

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”
― Groucho Marx