Showing posts with label philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label philosophy. Show all posts

Monday, March 26, 2012

Joseph Addison ...

When I look upon the tombs of the great, every emotion of envy dies in me;
when I read the epitaphs of the beautiful, every inordinate desire goes out;
when I meet with the grief of parents upon a tombstone, my heart melts with compassion;
when I see the tombs of the parents themselves, I consider the vanity of grieving for those whom we must quickly follow;
when I see kings lying by those who deposed them, when I consider rival wits placed side by side, or the men that divided the world with their contests and disputes, I reflect with sorrow and astonishment on the little competitions, factions, and debates of mankind.
When I read the several dates of the tombs, of some that died yesterday, and some six hundred years ago, I consider that great Day when we shall all of us be contemporaries, and make our appearance together”

Malcolm Muggeridge ...

When I look back on my life nowadays,
which I sometimes do,
what strikes me most forcibly about it is
that what seemed at the time
most significant and seductive,
seems now futile and absurd.
For instance, success in all of its various guises;
being known and being praised,
ostensible pleasures, like acquiring money
or seducing women, or traveling,
going to and fro in the world
and up and down in it like Satan,
exploring and experiencing
whatever Vanity Fair has to offer.
In retrospect all these exercises
in self-gratification seem pure fantasy,
what Pascal called ” licking the earth.”
They are diversions designed to distract in this world
which is, quite simply,
to look for God,
and, in looking, to find Him
and, having found Him, to love Him,
thereby establishing a harmonious relationship
with His purposes for His creation.
-Malcolm Muggeridge

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Lucius Annaeus Seneca “Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.”


“Enjoy present pleasures in such a way as not to injure future ones.”
Because thou writest me often, I thank thee ... Never do I receive a letter from thee, but immediately we are together.”

What man
can you show me who places any value on his time, who reckons the worth of each day, who understands that he is
dying daily? For we are mistaken when we look forward to death; the major portion of death has already passed,
Whatever years be behind us are in death's hands.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

“Each day acquire something that will fortify you against poverty, against death, indeed against other
misfortunes as well; and after you have run over many thoughts, select one to be thoroughly digested that day”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

“you shall be told what pleased me to-day in the writings of
Hecato; it is these words: "What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." That was
indeed a great benefit; such a person can never be alone. You may be sure that such a man is a friend to all mankind.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

“An unpopular rule is never long maintained.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 “It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 “As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “All cruelty springs from weakness.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. ”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Life is like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On the Shortness of Life


 “Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 “Fate leads the willing and drags along the reluctant.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “If anyone says that the best life of all is to sail the sea, and then adds that I must not sail upon a sea where shipwrecks are a common occurrence and there are often sudden storms that sweep the helmsman in an adverse direction, I conclude that this man, although he lauds navigation, really forbids me to launch my ship.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters

 “If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “For what prevents us from saying that the happy life is to have a mind that is free, lofty, fearless and steadfast - a mind that is placed beyond the reach of fear, beyond the reach of desire, that counts virtue the only good, baseness the only evil, and all else but a worthless mass of things, which come and go without increasing or diminishing the highest good, and neither subtract any part from the happy life nor add any part to it?
A man thus grounded must, whether he wills or not, necessarily be attended by constant cheerfulness and a joy that is deep and issues from deep within, since he finds delight in his own resources, and desires no joys greater than his inner joys.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “No man was ever wise by chance”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca



 “Wealth is the slave of a wise man. The master of a fool ”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Moral Essays, Volume I: de Providentia. de Constantia. de IRA. de Clementia


 “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The sun also shines on the wicked.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor. ”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “To wish to be well is a part of becoming well.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Only time can heal what reason cannot.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “We learn not in the school, but in life.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “He who spares the wicked injures the good.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca



 “A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Leisure without books is death, and burial of a man alive.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “They lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On the Shortness of Life


 “we cease to be so angry once we cease to be so hopeful”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It is difficult to bring people to goodness with lessons, but it is easy to do so by example.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “True happiness is to understand our duties toward God and man; to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence on the future; not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears, but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is abundantly sufficient.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Hang on to your youthful enthusiasms--you’ll be able to use them better when you’re older.”
-Seneca”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “And this, too, affords no small occasion for anxieties - if you are bent on assuming a pose and never reveal yourself to anyone frankly, in the fashion of many who live a false life that is all made up for show; for it is torturous to be constantly watching oneself and be fearful of being caught out of our usual role. And we are never free from concern if we think that every time anyone looks at us he is always taking-our measure; for many things happen that strip off our pretence against our will, and, though all this attention to self is successful, yet the life of those who live under a mask cannot be happy and without anxiety. But how much pleasure there is in simplicity that is pure, in itself unadorned, and veils no part of its character! Yet even such a life as this does run some risk of scorn, if everything lies open to everybody; for there are those who disdain whatever has become too familiar. But neither does virtue run any risk of being despised when she is brought close to the eyes, and it is better to be scorned by reason of simplicity than tortured by perpetual pretence.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “He who is brave is free”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “To be always fortunate, and to pass through life with a soul that has never known sorrow, is to be ignorant of one half of nature.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Enjoy present pleasures in such a way as not to injure future ones.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic


 “Everyone prefers belief to the exercise of judgement.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The time will come when diligent research over periods will bring to light things which now lie hidden...Many discoveries are reserved for ages still to come, when memories of us will have been effaced. Our universe is a sorry little affair unless it has something for every age to investigate. nature does not reveal her mysteries once and for all.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Naturalium Quaestionum Libri


 “A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “We are mad, not only individually but nationally. We check manslaughter and isolated murders, but what of war and the much-vaunted crime of slaughtering whole peoples?”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The best ideas are common property”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “For it is dangerous to attach one's self to the crowd in front, and so long as each one of us is more willing to trust another than to judge for himself, we never show any judgment in the matter of living, but always a blind trust, and a mistake that has been passed on from hand to hand finally involves us and works our destruction. It is the example of other people that is our undoing; let us merely separate ourselves from the crowd, and we shall be made whole. But as it is, the populace,, defending its own iniquity, pits itself against reason. And so we see the same thing happening that happens at the elections, where, when the fickle breeze of popular favor has shifted, the very same persons who chose the praetors wonder that those praetors were chosen.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “What is harder than rock? What is softer than water? Yet hard rocks are hollowed out by soft water.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Natural Questions


 “It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The final hour when we cease to exist does not itself bring death; it merely of itself completes the death-process. We reach death at that moment, but
we have been a long time on the way.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Throw aside all hindrances and give up your time to attaining a sound mind”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca



 “We should every night call ourselves to an account;
What infirmity have I mastered today?
What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired? Our vices will abort of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Brave men rejoice in adversity, just as brave soldiers triumph in war.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It does not matter how many books you have, but how good the books are which you have.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for crisis.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Men whose spirit has grown arrogant from the great favor of fortune have this most serious fault—those whom they have injured they also hate.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “Beyond all things is the sea”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “If we could be satisfied with anything, we should have been satisfied long ago.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow, and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “As Lucretius says: 'Thus ever from himself doth each man flee.' But what does he gain if he does not escape from himself? He ever follows himself and weighs upon himself as his own most burdensome companion. And so we ought to understand that what we struggle with is the fault, not of the places, but of ourselves”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters



 “While the fates permit, live happily; life speeds on with hurried step, and with winged days the wheel of the headlong year is turned.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “When a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


“Gold tests with fire, woman with gold, man with woman”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“It is not that we have so little time but that we lose so much. ... The life we receive is not short but we make it so; we are not ill provided but use what we have wastefully.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On the Shortness of Life


 “The geat blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “And what’s so bad about your being deprived of that?... All things seem unbearable to people who have become spoilt, who have become soft through a life of luxury, ailing more in the mind than they ever are in the body.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Life, if you know how to use it, is long; but…many, following no fixed aim, shifting and… dissatisfied, are plunged by their fickleness into plans that are ever new; some have no fixed principle by which to direct their course.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “Do not run hither and thither and distract yourself by changing your abode; for such restlessness is the sign of a disordered spirit.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


“if`you`live`in`harmony`with`nature you`will`never`be`poor,,
if`you`live`according `what`others`think,you`will`never`be`rich”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “I am not a ‘wise man,’ nor . . . shall I ever be. And so require not from me that I should be equal to the best, but that I should be better than the wicked. It is enough for me if every day I reduce the number of my vices, and blame my mistakes.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It's not because things are difficult that we don't dare; It's because we don't dare that things are difficult.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Let no one,' I say, 'who will make me no worthy return for such a loss rob me of a single day; let my mind be fixed upon itself, let it cultivate itself, let it busy itself with nothing outside, nothing that looks towards an umpire; let it love the tranquillity that is remote from public and private concern.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “I know that these mental disturbances of mine are not dangerous and give no promise of a storm; to express what I complain of in apt metaphor, I am distressed, not by a tempest, but by sea-sickness. ”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “No man can be sane who searches for what will injure him in place of what is best.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “No good thing renders its possessor happy, unless his mind is reconciled to the possibility of loss; nothing, however, is lost with less discomfort than that which, when lost, cannot be missed.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “We are indeed apt to ascribe certain faults to the place or to the time; but those faults will follow us, no matter how we change our place.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “How many are quite unworthy to see the light, and yet the day dawns.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “No man is crushed by misfortune unless he has first been deceived by prosperity”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Dialogues and Letters


 “Because thou writest me often, I thank thee ... Never do I receive a letter from thee, but immediately we are together.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic


An age builds up cities: an hour destroys them. In a moment the ashes are made, but a forest is a long time growing.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “As often as I have been amongst men, I have returned less a man.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The highest good is a mind that scorns the happenings of chance, and rejoices only in virtue.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “Why do I not rather seek some real good - one which I could feel, not one which I could display? These things that draw the eyes of men, before which they halt, which they show to one another in wonder, outwardly glitter, but are worthless within.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65

 “A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient; nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient; and looking upon them only as sick and extravagant.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “For manliness gains much strength by being challenged”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “No prizefighter can go with high spirits into the strife if he has never been beaten black and blue; the only contestant who can confidently enter the lists is the man who has seen his own blood, who has felt his teeth rattle beneath his opponent's fist, who has been tripped and felt the full force of his adversary's charge, who has been downed in bloody but not it spirit, one who as often as he falls, rises again with greater defiance than ever.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “It is our conscience, not our pride, that has put doorkeepers at our doors.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “I am loath to call clemency what was, rather, the exhaustion of cruelty.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “They strive to attain their wishes by every available means, instructing and compelling themselves to dishonest and difficult acts. And when their labour is without reward, it is the fruitless disgrace that tortures them - they are not grieved to have desired evil things but to have desired in vain. Then remorse for what they began lays hold of them, and the fear of beginning again, and thence creeps in the agitation of mind which can find no relief - because neither can they rule nor can they obey their desires. And then comes the hesitancy of a life failing to clear a way for itself, and the dull wasting of a soul lying torpid amidst forsaken hopes.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The day which we fear is out last is buth the birthday of eternity”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “In truth, Serenus, I have for a long time been silently asking myself to what I should liken such a condition of mind, and I can find nothing that so closely approaches it as the state of those who, after being released from a long and serious illness, are sometimes touched with fits of fever and slight disorders, and, freed from the last traces of them, are nevertheless disquieted with mistrust, and, though now quite well, stretch out their wrist to a physician and complain unjustly of any trace of heat in their body. It is not, Serenus, that these are not quite well in body, but that they are not quite used to being well; just as even a tranquil sea will show some ripple, particularly when it has just subsided after a storm. What you need, therefore, is not any of those harsher measures which we have already left behind, the necessity of opposing yourself at this point, of being angry with yourself at that, of sternly urging yourself on at another, but that which comes last -confidence in yourself and the belief that you are on the right path, and have not been led astray by the many cross- tracks of those who are roaming in every direction, some of whom are wandering very near the path itself. But what you desire is something great and supreme and very near to being a god - to be unshaken. ”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “It is quality rather than quantity that matters.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca



 “Indeed the state of all who are preoccupied is wretched, but the most wretched are those who are toiling not even at their own preoccupations, but must regulate their sleep by another's, and their walk by another's pace, and obey orders in those freest of all things, loving and hating. If such people want to know how short their lives are, let them reflect how small a portion is their own.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “We should conduct ourselves not as if we ought to live for the body, but as if we could not live without it. Our too great love for it makes us restless with fears, burdens us with cares, and exposes us to insults.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “No past life has been lived to lend us glory, and that which has existed before us is not ours.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “Although the sum and substance of the happy life is unalloyed freedom from care, and though the secret of such freedom is unshaken confidence... men gather together that which causes worry.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Epistles 1-65


 “It is sweet to draw the world down with you when you are perishing.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 “the fates lead those who will those who won't they drag.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“One hand washes the other.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “What man
can you show me who places any value on his time, who reckons the worth of each day, who understands that he is
dying daily? For we are mistaken when we look forward to death; the major portion of death has already passed,
Whatever years be behind us are in death's hands.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic


 “Each day acquire something that will fortify you against poverty, against death, indeed against other
misfortunes as well; and after you have run over many thoughts, select one to be thoroughly digested that day”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic


 “you shall be told what pleased me to-day in the writings of
Hecato; it is these words: "What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." That was
indeed a great benefit; such a person can never be alone. You may be sure that such a man is a friend to all mankind.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic


 “Fidelity purchased with money, money can destroy.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “From this state also will he flee. If I should attempt to enumerate them one by one, I should not find a single one which could tolerate the wise man or which the wise man could tolerate.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, The Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters


 “Love of bustle is not industry.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “The willing, Destiny guides them. The unwilling, Destiny drags them.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “Conversation has a kind of charm about it, an insinuating and insidious something that elicits secrets just like love or liquor.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca


 “An unpopular rule is never long maintained.”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Groucho Marx ...“The only real laughter comes from despair.”


“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx


 “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx


 “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
Groucho Marx

 “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
Groucho Marx


 “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”
Groucho Marx


 “Humor is reason gone mad.”
Groucho Marx


 “I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
Groucho Marx, Groucho And Me


 “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

 “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
Groucho Marx

 “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
Groucho Marx

 “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
Groucho Marx

 “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
Groucho Marx

 “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
Groucho Marx

 “Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”
Groucho Marx

 “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
Groucho Marx

 “Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Groucho Marx

 “If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”
Groucho Marx

 “I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”
Groucho Marx

 “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ”
Groucho Marx

 “I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”
Groucho Marx

 “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
Groucho Marx

 “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
Groucho Marx


 “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Groucho Marx


 “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Groucho Marx


 “Whatever it is, I'm against it.”
Groucho Marx


 “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx


“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx


 “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”
Groucho Marx


 “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
Groucho Marx

 “She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx


 “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
Groucho Marx

 “While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
Groucho Marx


 “Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
Groucho Marx


 “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
Groucho Marx


 “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”
Groucho Marx


 “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
Groucho Marx

 “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
Groucho Marx

 “Room service? Send up a larger room.”
Groucho Marx

“Time wounds all heels.”
Groucho Marx

 “If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again”
Groucho Marx

 “The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”
Groucho Marx

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”
Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”
Groucho Marx

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”
Groucho Marx

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
Groucho Marx

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”
Groucho Marx


“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
Groucho Marx

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”
Groucho Marx

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.”
Groucho Marx

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”
Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters

“I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.”
Groucho Marx

 “I must admit, I was born at an early age.”
Groucho Marx

 “Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.”
Groucho Marx

 “Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.”
Groucho Marx

 “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Groucho Marx

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”
Groucho Marx

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Groucho Marx

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”
Groucho Marx

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”
Groucho Marx


“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
Groucho Marx

“Was that you or the duck?”
Groucho Marx

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”
Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters

“My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.”
Groucho Marx

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.”
Groucho Marx


“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
Groucho Marx

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”
Groucho Marx

“I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.”
Groucho Marx

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Groucho Marx

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
Groucho Marx

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
Groucho Marx

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”
Groucho Marx

“If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!”
Groucho Marx

“I'll teach you to kick me...'
You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”
Groucho Marx

“Any place I hang my head is home.”
Groucho Marx

“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.”
Groucho Marx

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”
Groucho Marx


“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
Groucho Marx

“And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!”
Groucho Marx


“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?”
Groucho Marx

“I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”
Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going.”
Groucho Marx

“I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.”
Groucho Marx

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”
Groucho Marx, Groucho Marx

“Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay,
I came to say, I must be going.
I’m glad I came, but just the same,
I must be going.”
Groucho Marx

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”
Groucho Marx


“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”
Groucho Marx

“You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”
Groucho Marx

“That's bad luck: three on a midget.

From "At The Circus”
Groucho Marx

“John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight...”
Groucho Marx

“All geniuses die young.”
Groucho Marx

“Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)”
Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me."
"What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.”
Groucho Marx

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”
Groucho Marx

“With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”
Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.”
Groucho Marx

“Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.”
Groucho Marx, Memoirs Of A Mangy Lover

“Denial is a river in Egypt.”
Groucho Marx

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”
Groucho Marx

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home."
Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:”
Groucho Marx

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”
Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have ME as a member.”
Groucho Marx

“I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member!”
Groucho Marx

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does”
Groucho Marx